How to Cook
An Alien
First Why eat Aliens?
Aliens come here without an invitation
They mutilate our cattle, and probe abductees by shoving probes in their rectum and performing other unspeakable acts upon unsuspecting victims.
There is a lot of them and they seem to be increasing in numbers
They are Kosher
Some say they ate Elvis
They taste good if marinated with red wine and garlic
They fool around with the Space Shuttle, when the astronauts aren't looking
Their meat is safer than British Beef.
ALIEN TYPES
Blues Blue Aliens are just that, blue in colour, though the shade varies based on age. The rule of thumb is, the deeper the blue colour, the tougher the meat.
No-one knows where they come from, but it's generally thought that they are the more docile of the edible species. Flesh is compared in texture to chicken, and most cuts are suitable for frying, grilling, and a good curry.
Greys Greys are, naturally grey in colour, though they are as tall as blues. It is thought that they come from a colder planet than the blues. Their meat is generally tougher than blues, and also higher in cholesterol. Good for mincing for hamburger meat, although a wine based marinade will allow you to prepare a good stew or casserole. As their meat is tougher than Blues, more cooking time is needed. A famous recipe, first tried after Roswell, in 1947, was a Sage and Onion stuffing, which is said to have brought out some delicate flavours in the meat.
Reptiloids If you have seen a lizard, then you begin to have some idea about what a reptiloid looks like. Reptiloids evolved on a planet where the dinosaurs were not made extinct. Naturally, they have high intelligence (well, for a lizard, that is). They are roughly human size. Their meat has been generally described as similar to crocodile (to be expected), and their legs can be prepared in a similar fashion to the French cuisine "frogs legs", though typically, a single leg will feed a family of 6, generously. Another excellent preparation is to mince the meat, and make a "meatball" dish.
Reptiloid meat is the lowest in fat and cholesterol content, and is good for those with a heart condition
Hybrids Hybrid Aliens are a controversial subject for eating, since they are generally the result of either alien impregnation experiments, or successful, mutually agreed mating between humans and aliens.
My advice is to take it as read that they are neither alien nor human, however care must be taken before deciding if it is acceptable to eat a hybrid. I have no recipes for hybrids. Speculation as to their taste must be left to the imagination, though it is assumed that it would probably taste like a sweet pork.
HOW TO CATCH YOUR ALIEN Be careful! There is a federal law prohibiting contact with aliens and their craft
Below are 3 humane techniques for catching your alien.
Method #1
Netting is the usual way to catch Reptiloids.
Dropping the net from above is the most effective way to use it.
They have poorer eyesight then the other aliens.
Use raw meat from a mutilated cow to bait the trap.Method #2
To catch Blues or Greys, Pit traps are used.
Dig the pit deep with the walls at a angle.
The meat becomes tenderized as in bangs on the sides of the pit on the way down.
For bait lay a trail of candy up to the center of the trap.Method #3
Blankets and pillow covers are especially effective against Greys. The best way to use this method is to wait on top of your bedroom cupboard or closet at night. When the Grey Alien sneaks out of your closet to do unspeakable things to you, drop the blanket over the creature, and subdue it. If you don't have a blanket to spare, a pillow cover will suffice, as the alien will become quite docile when it's eyes are covered, which leads some researchers to beleive that greys are related to certain species of fowl.
HOW TO SKIN YOUR ALIEN First drink 2 or 3 cans of beer to celebrate the capture.
After the creature is dead, or at least unconscious, soak it in hot water for a least 1 hour to make skinning easier.
This will give you time to finish 1 or 2 more beers
Make an incision from the abdomen upwards to the sternum.
Hold the skin at the incision and gently peel the skin away from the flesh.
Use a fillet knife if necessary.
Be careful not to damage the skin in any way and you can make a leather coat.
6 adult skins are needed to make 1 jacket.
However, as we are concentrating on aliens as food, I shall not discuss this any farther, and instead I suggest that you employ one of the web search engines on tanning, or indeed on alien leather accessories.
HOW TO COOK YOUR ALIEN Soak the flesh in red wine and garlic marinade for at least 8 hours.
Overnight is best.
Drain and rinse off with beer.
If your alien is a Reptiloid perpare as your would any of your favorite alligator recipes.
That's right they taste like alligator!
The Blues and the Greys taste like owl.
TIPs: The darker the color the tougher the meat.
If you cook the alien for 3 hours or more, the tasty bones soften and can be eaten to get extra calcium in your diet.Watching your diet?
Reptiloids are lower in calories and cholesterol then Blues or Greys.
Want More Great Alien Recipes?
Look Downunder for the answer
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