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Days of their engagement. They are laughing, him and her, Huda and Nabeel.
The moisture touching their feet, dangling in the river's water.
He was sitting beside her and they both have taken off their shoes. They
were alone in this isolated region even though they went out, engaged,
with her parents for a promenade. While the rest were preparing the food,
the two of them sat by the river. He strongly pushed his feet inside the
river and water drops flew in the air moistening her dress. She screamed:
"Careful! You're wetting my dress." he playfully hit her feet with his:
"Wouldn't you like us to be kids?"
-"I like that sometimes. I find myself happy and laughing as though
life is without worries."
-"Do you know Huda? I heard your students at college say that you are
always laughing. They are surprised, because others do not laugh all the
time as you do."
-" Yes. They asked me once about that. One day I finished the
lecture and stayed after class for about ten minutes which I gave to the
students' questions about the subject. And then a tall student said to
me: "the whole class wishes to ask you a question outside the topic of
discussion." I refused that first in order to save time for further
questions. I am serious in class. But the students insisted that
they must ask so I permitted them and then they told me: "You are always
laughing."
"We knew you for about three years and we never have seen you without
a smile shining brightly on your face."
"And you humor with us even when we give the wrong answer. No. you
sometimes even hit the student with the wrong answer with a piece of chalk.
So, what is the secret for this cheerfulness? Are you without any worries?
Don't you have any problems?"
For a second Huda was quite. Nabil then said: "And then what? It seems
to me that you do not wish to let me know the answer. It bothers me that
you sometimes pause interesting questions in your articles, then do not
respond to them because of your respect for artistic shape."
Huda laughed: "This is true. I will do everything for artistic shape
sometimes."
-"And now, answer your students' question. I find myself equally interested
in knowing the answer to the question. Why do you always laugh?"
-"All right. I will tell you exactly what I said to my students. I
had my share of troubles and worrying at every period of my life. I am
made of flesh and blood like everybody else. Is there any one without
sorrow? That kind of a person must be less sensitive than a book cover.
But I stay cheerful Because I am happy with life: the moon, the stars,
the wonder of infinity, the warm blood running through my veins,
the beauty of the being of God and my sense of his awesome closeness to
us."
With love and the yearning for the infinity in my
being, with the magic of poetry and the beauty of music, with my fear and
love of death, with my father and my brothers and our friends whom I love
and who love me, with thousands of little things, these things make me
happy with life, turning into the smiles on my lips and a gleam in my eyes.
That is why I laugh in class and am never depressed."
Nabil suddenly exploded: "You are beautiful Huda."
He quickly kissed her cheek and said: "you've made of laughter a philosophy."
-"Yes. I believe that laughter is the greatest gift of the God
of goodness and beauty to creation. Every human being can cry and moan,
but only the fulfilled individual can laugh."
-"How true. Didn't Nietzsche say that "Pain is profound But happiness
is more profound than pain?"
-"He was right because the ability to be happy is creative and wide,
tasting the whole universe, while the capacity for sorrow is always limited
and private. We only laugh because of a deep appreciation for things which
makes us totally involved with the world. I also feel that when we are
sad we are just us, but when we laugh we are with the universe. It is the
humanity in us which laughs. This is my philosophy and therefore I am cheerful."
He then looked serious and said: "But, all this cheerfulness you generously
gave your students! But Your lovely smile was never for me. Six months
you greeted me politely and formally, and sat seriously so I was very cautious
in your presence. I hid my feelings from you and was silent.
What is the secret for this behavior?"
She answered with kindness: "I treated you the same way as I
treat all men. Nothing but seriousness with them. Even though I recall
that I once smiled at you freely, without any sense of constraint. This
is an event I shall never forget because it is associated with an important
day of my life."
He was becoming more serious as he listened. But after hearing her
last word he said as one confessing: "Yes, you smiled for me just once.
and I saw that it was a smile for me, complete, deep. It was just for me
and absorbed my entire life and being. I came to your father's house
and asked for your hand that same day. Do you remember that?"
-"I remember it well. But my smile that day was innocent, like my smiles
to students, the sun, and the rainbow, and the mountains of sand. It did
not seek to captivate and absorb your being."
She laughed and said seriously: "You seem not to understand that your
being is deep and wide as a river and I will spend years exploring it before
comprehension."
She said that while touching his ear playfully and he took her hand
in his and kissed her thumb. Then he touched her feet with his, and hit
the water, drops of which flew in the air and moistened her dress again.
At that instant the voice of her sister reached her : "Huda! Huda! Dr.
Nabil. The food is ready."
She felt that Dr. Salam was withdrawing the needle from her back
bone. it was painful. He told her: "Turn on your back and relax.
Turn now, because you won't be able to do it later. The drug started to
spread through your body. What are you feeling?"
-"Pain in my back bone where the needle entered."
-"What else?"
-"I feel a cold and numbness at me feet."
Dr. Salam said as he arranged his mask: "The coldness will increase
and rise higher. expect that. Are you scared?"
-A little bit."
It is the evening of their marriage after a few months engagement.
She is setting next to him as he drives the car. He had asked her to leave
hers at the Garage in her dad's home, so that he might pick her up in his
car to the new house which they furnished together. Her Grand mother kisses
her as she leaves the house and wishes her the best of luck, while her
father and sisters all stand up. She felt the absence of her dead mother.
Why does her grand mother give her to her husband in this important night
of her life?
coldness, coldness which reaches her heart. Her
whole body is turning to ice. even her brain is frozen, her ideas jumbled,
mixed with images, reflections, dreams and night mares.
Where are you my beloved mother? From whom shall my husband
receive me tonight? My wedding night?
"Oh, I am going to throw up. Please left up my head
to throw up." Her head is turning.
-"Huda, honey, I am your grand mother. There are
no differences between me and your mother.
Hot and bitter liquid pours from her mouth into her cheeks and nick.
-I am your mother Huda so dry your tears . Let your
smile brighten your face.
The huge wheel is turning, and the car is going to crash. Oh, oh, careful,
the wheels are getting closer. A violent crash.
-"Dr. Salam. She is eating the vomit."
-"Raise her head a bit."
Her sister Laila says: "Wouldn't it have been better
for Huda to wear the usual wedding gown? She is perverse in every thing.
Here she is leaving with her husband wearing this simple dress as though
she is going to college."
Why didn't they notice that I wore a white dress
symbolizing innocence and the purity of my feelings for Nabil? Neither
of us were sensual.
The wheel is turning. Another car crash. The front window is
broken and the lights are turned off. Darkness, darkness, she is suffocating.
It is the voice of her little sister, Muna.
-"And she would not allow us the invite any body
for the wedding, proudly rejecting the beautiful marriage ceremony."
That is valueless, valueless.
Suddenly, she regained consciousness, and the vomiting stopped.
She went out with Nabil after saying: "In the name of God the most
just and merciful I begin my new life. Bless us Dear God." She sat beside
him in his small car. He said to her cheerfully.
-"Our fridge is empty dear wife. What shall we buy to put in it?"
-"Some fruit and milk and butter and cheese and bread to make breakfast
tomorrow."
The coldness increases. Broken ice streams from my heart flooding
my veins. My heart is frozen, dispatching ice into my veins.
A small fruit store in a modern Baghdad suburb. Each one of them felt
the uncanniness of the situation. A married couple on their wedding night
leave their car to buy fruits and the sales person can not tell that they
have just gotten married. Besides, it is unusual for newly weds to go shopping
in their wedding night. But she, Huda, was rejoicing.
How silly it is of people to make those loud wedding parties? How beautiful
is the sound of silence and the solitude surrounding them as they sit close
to one another in the car. All things gain depth and significance. And
she can appreciate the sublimity of such moments as she stands on the verge
of a new ambiguous life, with a man who is her friend from college, whom
she has chosen, who has chosen her, without any body intervening. And the
two of them stand now on the threshold of married life, in their selves
innocence and dread and the roots of happiness going down to their blood
appearing occasionally on their lips. And even the impression of their
smiles carry half embarrassment, half dread, half surprise in the front
of the ambiguity of a tomorrow of which they know nothing now but the door
knob and the shadows of a long corridor the beginning of which is lighted
and its ending covered in vague shadows. Their silence is significant,
and their fragmented utterances are meaningful. Those beautiful meanings
she would not have felt if her wedding was being celebrated with tens of
cars following and the screams of relatives and friends.
It always seemed to her that wedding nights were
concerned with expressing the sexual and degraded part of marriage only.
Those people do not imagine the wedding night as the opening of a new poetic
life between two human being, each with feelings and thoughts and taste,
and they do not appreciate the spiritual aspect of the relationship. All
they understood was that a steamy sexual encounter is about to take place.
And this representation made Huda always fear marriage through out her
life and refuse it for herself. She always felt that the relationship of
a man and a woman is profound as a wide horizon, a noble attachment consisting
of poetry and music and life. And even if it includes the sexual, it happens
accidentally as a result of understanding and affection, and not for its
own sake as some imagine. They present it ugly and gross in the wedding
night. And when she saw this style of looking at marriage she decided to
spend her life a virgin, despising this "shame" which lowers the
humanity of man and dissipates his spiritual beauty.
The nausea is finally disappearing. Her mind is clear. The vomiting
has stopped and she saw the Doctor, her cousin, take a knife and press
it into her belly. Besides her their was a young doctor encouraging her
to withstand the operation so she asked him naively: "why is he tickling
me like that?"
The young Doctor replied: "He is not tickling you. He has opened a
deep wound inside your belly."
Dr. Salam asked: "Do you feel any pain?"
-No. I don't."
They are married for a week now. They are laughing, him and her, the
were always laughing, as Adam and Eve did thousands of years ago. They
laugh and are happy so that the baby is born out of their laughter. She
hears the voice of Nabil coming from the distance telling her: "Huda! How
I love our laughter and humor. But I always feel as though life is preparing
for us a trap. All what nature cares about is that we have a baby."
"First, do not say a "nature", for it is God who created laughter to
push us further until the baby is born, the white flower of nature and
its butterfly. And why do you call that a trap? Did you wish us to bring
the baby to life while we are frowning and coerced, hateful of one another?
He thought for a minute and said: "You're right. Let's bring babies
to life while we smile at least.
Isn't it bad enough that we have to bring them any way?"
She looked surprised and responded: "Nabil, don't you like children?"
His reply shook her: "They are a heavy burden. And I love how we laugh
and are happy without burdens as we were during the engagement. Let our
life be a paradise without children.
She felt the doctor's hands touching her guts and cried: "I am
going to throw up again. Help me.
She made this appeal as her hand reached to the hand of the young doctor
standing masked beside her. She grabbed it fiercely as though she is drowning
and it is a life line. She felt embarrassed and did not know how did she
allow herself to grab the hand of a man who is a total stranger?
Pictures, voices, and the features of soft faces falling into her mind
as though God is saving her from her pain as she stays awake during the
operation. The voice of one of her cousins - the sister of dr. Salam -
rung in her ear. "Huda! Do you know why they call it a Cesarean Operation?"
Her stream of thought was confused. Cesarean operation Cesarean. operation.
Caesarian... Why do they give it that name why does it refer to Caesar,
the Roman emperor?
Laus sit Dio, qui tabulam et calamum creavit, at
que hominem docuit, quod antea nasciabit, et benedicto et pax super Mohammed.
This was latin, the language of Caesar. What did he do? Alham will
answer. Why?
Why? Cur rides. She felt that her head will explode. And the
face of Alham brown and circular and her small mouth appeared palely to
her and she said: "The Caesarian operation refers to a Roman emperor. His
wife's pregnancy was difficult and the baby was about to suffocate. So
he ordered that they open the belly of his poor wife mercilessly, without
any attention being paid to her in order to save the baby."
-"What cruelty my God? So our lives are without value? My life valueless?
And those cruel Romans would eat their fruits as they watched tens of slaves
slaying one another to amuse audiences and then the carts arrive and carry
the corpses, each on top of the other in a heap , while they continue to
eat the fruits. These were the Roman emperors.
Alham says in a loud voice which came as though through a loud speaker:
"It is called "Caesarian" because Caesar was cruel and wicked without any
humanity. He opened the belly of his wife with a knife so that the baby
gets out and left the mother to die alone drowning in a pool of blood."
Then Alham's voice became gentler: "You are lucky Huda because you
are giving birth at this age. Today the Doctors open your belly without
your feeling any pain and both you and your baby might survive. Isn't this
better?
The hands of the Doctor continues to touch her guts
and the nausea returns as the ticking of a clock. But in her consciousness
there are moments of clarity and focus, and she goes on living the past,
imagining that her soul is rising leaving her body in the hands of the
Doctors and nurses. As though God is mercifully carrying her through the
pain of being awake during the operation.
How tender and kind is Nabil? There isn't any one more generous than
he in the whole world. She wondered how God arranged for her this happy
marriage and asked herself: What would have happened had she agreed to
marry any of the other men who courted her before Nabil? Most of whom were
good, but none as kind, spiritual, sensitive, idealistic.
A week after their marriage, he tells her: "Huda, we do not want any
children. Isn't it so? Shouldn't we check a Doctor to help us with that?"
She is pale as she protests: "We don't want any children? Why?"
-"Didn't I express this wish to you before? But I always felt that
you shared my desire in not having children. We, the two of us, want to
have perfect happiness, and spend our time writing and being creative,
travelling the diverse regions of the glove endlessly, reading and
discussing numerous subjects, filling the world with thought and
humor and art.
How does this life style sound to you?"
She said surprised: "We will give time to writing, and we will laugh
and travel, but that does not preclude having children."
"Honey. Children are a burden on their parents. Did we work so hard
at learning and gaining knowledge in order to waste it all at child bringing
and education?"
She said in a frustrated and angry tone: "I will not be happy without
children. Their love runs in my veins."
He was quite, and she felt that she has hurt his sensitive feelings
with her firmness, so she added gently: "What is the matter? Why are you
quite? Don't you love children?"
-"I can't stand them, and I do not wish to have a child."
-"Not even one?"
-"Honey. Is it absolutely essential that you become a mother?"
Her tears were about to fall as she said: "Absolutely, But since you
do not like children let us have just one, whether it be a boy or a Girl.
Let me try motherhood. I yearn to be a mother, and it saddens me that you
do not share my affection for kids."
And he was quite for a second and then turned to her suddenly saying:
"Huda! What happened to you? Didn't you tell me during our engagement how
you despised pregnancy? Didn't you reject marriage proposals more than
once because of your disgust of pregnant women? These were matters which
you told me about."
-"Well, let me explain. During my youth I despised sexual relations
and hated marriage accordingly. And these sentiments were related to my
disgust of the pregnant woman. She appeared to me both sensual and vulnerable.
I was preparing myself to become an artist. And today I feel I was egotistical
in refusing to give from my self to life. I loved life while refusing to
give it living beings for the continuation of the human race. But these
emotions lost their vigor with the passage of time. I have grown and matured
learning to follow my emotions. Since I love children I can't refuse pregnancy,
nor despise a pregnant woman."
-"What you are saying is strange. I am glad that each one of us is
opening to the other so that our marriage is based on complete understanding.
So, what was your position when you agreed to marry me?"
-"I was deeply changed, otherwise I would not have married you to begin
with."
-"But is it necessary for a marriage to end up with parenthood?"
-"Marriage is egotistical without children. For the two partners will
stay occupied with the sensuous part of marriage, and sensuality - which
is the polite term for lust - might become the soul motive for the continuation
of the alliance. While marriage for the two of us is a perfection sublimation
and a spiritual consummation. Did not God indicate that the relationship
of marriage is an attachment and a spiritual sympathy?"
-"Honey, what you are saying is beautiful. But don't we share the kindness
sublimity and spiritualism which fills our lives and thought even without
children."
-"We do have that, thank God. But each one of us is busy with pleasing
the other aesthetically. You try to look good so that I would love you,
and I try to look my best so that you would love me. And I do not mean
the beauty of appearance only, but the beauty of thought and the heart
as well. I mean that you express your emotions to me to impress me with
it, and I also try to express my thoughts and the unique in my personality
to charm you."
-"And what is wrong with that Huda? We become more beautiful intellectually
and emotionally. And that fecunds our live and beautifies our entire existence."
-"But this beautification is cheap. True love does not beautify. And
parenthood effaces beautification between its two partners. When you become
a father, you will be occupied with the childhood multi-colored flower
which sprung from our love, and the child will be our natural beauty, Tenderness
the beauty of our eyes, and sacrifice our make up and rings. We will be
rid of the fear that we may lose one another, and stop all sorts of beautification.
You might see me with my hair unraveled and my lips dry with fear for our
baby as he cries between my arms and you will feel that you never loved
me more than at this minute."
He thought for a few seconds and said slowly: "Let me think. I am not
sure. I do not believe that a child will increase my love for you. Probably
the baby will be just another form of beautification since in my gaze you
are beautiful without it. Don't we have together enough of beauty and attractiveness
and brightness?"
All of a sudden she felt fatigued knowing that the discussion have
went on for too long without an end in sight, as though she has run and
run a long distance then her feet slipped and she fell on thick and burning
sands, or on brokwn shards of glass which wounded her."
But Nabil is sensitive, he senses her deepest feelings immediately
and so he adds right away: "Don't be sad. You will have a baby and I won't
stand in your way but..., take this first." He kissed her lips so she turned
her head saying with a complaining tone: "I should have thanked you for
your acceptance of a one Baby. But even this limited permission is constrained
with a "but".
-"enough of this subject for now, and you will have a one baby. Are
you happy now?"
-"My happiness will be incomplete until I understand your stipulation."
The smell of medicine at the operation room. It is unbearable.
She tries not to smell it. She starts vomiting again as she lay on her
back , and the young Doctor says to her as she continuously clang to his
left hand: "Left up your head so that the liquid will pour into the cup,
without your eating it again."
And she cried as she suffocated: "I can't. An ice mountain is on my
nick. My head does not turn no matter how hard I try."
-"Try to turn it it. Try again."
She succeeded in raising her head and she breathed a deep breath and
asked him with her hand grabbing his arm. "What is your name?"
-"Mahmood Al Shakiri."
-"Are you a Doctor?"
-"Yes, but I am under training. I attend operations as preparation."
-"I hope you will not get a bad impression of me when I grab your hand
in mine like that. Your hand is human, and I feel like I am in a tomb."
-"Mrs. Huda, I will not have a bad impression of you. You need someone's
help in this difficult situation."
It happened after their voyage to cairo, five months after the marriage.
When they returned she suffered a continuos nausea, and could not bear
the taste of water, and when Dr. Salam checked, he informed her of her
pregnancy. And Nabil was with her listening. He did not utter a word. She
was shook with the news. And the car carried them home: "I am pregnant.
What do you think?"
He said quietly: "An expected news item in the live of married couples,
nothing special about it.
-"But it is special to me. It excites me, and I am pleased."
-"You say you are pleased? Huda! The tears are falling from your eyes
and moistening your face. Look!"
He said that as he passed his hand over her face. It was wet. "Why
are you crying?"
-"I don't know. I am scared, and this continuing nausea is horrible.
Besides, I feel that you are unhappy with the thought of parenthood. I
will carry the child alone, and feel happy with motherhood alone. Isn't
it so?"
Nabil was always kind, so he told her: "What pleases you pleases me,
even if I was not happy with the idea of the baby. What can I do to please
you in this matter? Forgive me."
-"But why? For God's sake, why? How beautiful it is to have a kid who
calls you Dad and calls me Mam! While you spoil him and embrace him in
your arms."
-"Honey, if you wish me to carry it, I will carry it. But I can not
love it. That is all there is to it."
-"Your Kid, made of your flesh and blood, and how can I explain that?"
-"I assumed that your love of art will make you different from other
women in their attachment to children, and I did not know that we will
bring children. And I - honestly - do not like this baby. I cannot spoil
it, laugh or play with it."
She now felt the bitter taste of tears on her lips. He will not love
the new baby. It will be born deprived of the love of its father. Thus
the lord ordained.
With a serious but happy voice Dr. Salam said: "It's a boy."
She felt a new wave of vomit starts, and felt dramatic and complicated
feelings. So maternity is always connected with pain? As soon as she heard
that the new born is a boy she imagined from the pain she felt that her
whole belly was bursting into the outside, in vomit. Her voice rose as
she asked: "But where is he?"
Dr. Mahmood said gently to her: "It is still in the womb. The Doctor
did not get it out yet."
-"And how did he know it is a boy?"
-"Your baby did not turn, so his legs are downward, and as soon as
the knife opened the wound we knew it is a boy."
She was lost in reflection! Her Baby does not turn so the Doctor is
coerced to have a caesarian operation. That has happened to other women
before, but why was it her luck that she alone is given only a partial
anesthetic instead of the complete one which makes one lose consciousness
so that she does not have to face any pain during the process of birth
- giving? She has had a severe cold before pregnancy, and if it was not
cured, they would have had to give her the partial anesthetic. She said
to herself: "The lord wants me to go through an experience which will give
me new images and feelings."
Pain attaches the self to humanity and gives it a taste of the infinite.
So thank you lord.
Something horrible started to happen to her. The doctor was pulling
something from inside her. What is it he is pulling, perhaps the baby?
It must be the baby. But why do I feel that he is pulling my heart and
my whole insides out? Oh God, When will this terrible pulling end?
I feel that I am dying. Dr. Salam. You are pulling the life out of my body.
Stop it. I am dying.
And Salam said to her and in his voice a gentleness concealed behind
the usual seriousness of surgeons: "Just be patient. It is almost over."
As the pulling ended she lost consciousness, and the images and thoughts
were mixed up during the fainting spell. She saw herself standing in front
of her sister Laila crying a flood of bitter tears: "Laila, Laila, How
unhappy is the infant I am carrying in my womb. His dad does not want him
and he will not kiss him nor buy him presents and candy."
Laila Shouted bothered: "What is this crab? Who told you this?"
-"Nabil told me so many times. He wants us to live together for traveling
and writing and friends without babies."
"If Nabil told you that know sister that he himself is ignorant that
the sense of fatherhood is an instinct. You will see how he loves his baby.
Listen to what I am saying and stop crying. How could you believe what
he says? Don't you see how kind he is even to strangers? You have a very
sensitive husband, gentle as a candle, so it is impossible for him to be
cold to his own baby. What did he say? He will not love his baby. Take
this napkin. Dry your tears and you will see the accuracy of my prophecy."
-"But he has assured me of that many times. I am sewing the clothes
for the baby and when he sees it he does not express and joy. While I kiss
each dress I make for the unknown being."
She awoke from the fainting spell, sensing that the pulling is finished.
Dr. Salam raised the naked baby, and raised it high so that the mother
would see it lying on the table.
-"This is your baby. Look at it."
And she did: It was a little naked creature, quite, a piece of red
brown flesh in the hands of the Doctor. She felt it was a treasure. It
was her baby. She felt very happy. And screamed - "I can not breath. Help
me."
And the Doctor cried: "Oxygen. Give me Oxygen."
And they lifted a machine high and gave her a little instrument which,
upon touching her mouth, returned life to her. What would have happened
if she had lived in the Nineteenth Century instead of the Twentieth? She
would have suffocated and died. And now that the Oxygen is available, and
the vomiting is over, her whole being is addressed to the new baby. She
saw Dr. Salam gives him to a masked nurse standing beside him. And the
nurse turned around and went with the baby to a table at the right.
With difficulty Huda turned her head around and stared
at the baby. She saw two nurses with a pair of cessors. She knew they were
cutting the life line. God. Is it alive? Why does it not cry? May be it
understands the difficulties it will have to face before it is born. No.
Your dad will not love you baby, and you will find no pleasure in calling
for him: "Daddy." So why do you not cry?
Her mind was confused. Does she want crying to indicate life, or as
a sign of sadness because the innocent infant is prevented of its father's
love? She started vomiting again and Mohammed told her: "The reason for
the vomit is that you are eating the matter again. Try to raise your head
in order to expel it and feel better."
She felt a terrible pain and that she is expelling her guts outside.
She could not breath wothout difficulty. Her fingers grabbed the hands
of the young Doctor who told her: "You have faced a lot and little remains.
Be strong in your patience."
Her head was about to explode. Giving birth is a horrible experience.
But the great god was wise when he wanted the mother to suffer as she gives
birth. Her love for the baby increases with the amount of her suffering
for it. The baby is associated with these horrible pains and she wants
it to live and be happy, as a reward for the agony she faced. And the pain
of the mother during child giving is the secret of her humanity and her
grandness. She feels that she is giving her being and her rest for the
price for the continuation of the human race. Her sacrifice connects her
with god, and associates her with the divine. She is sacrificing herself
for the sake of humanity. And for the sake of the new baby she will put
up with all kinds of pain with a smile. Here I am, Huda, who was spoiled
and tender throughout my life not excepting any pain, even the smallest.
Am I not facing the operation of birth giving courageously and patiently,
while thanking the lord all the while? But, God, why does it not cry? Is
it born dead? She felt the idea cuts her like a knife and the world became
worthless in her eyes and she felt death.
-"Oh oh oh oh".
It is crying. Thank you lord. My baby is alive. You have given me this
gift. She said to the Doctor, while her hand still grabbed his: "I was
afraid that it is not alive."
He responded: "All mothers are afraid of that. The Doctor now will
begin to sew the wound.
The taste of her tears returned to her lips. Nabil was tender, and his
tenderness surrounded her every second. It saddened him that he could neither
love the new baby nor share with his wife her joy in it. He
continuously apologized: "Excuse me Huda, how I wish I could have been
a loving parent for our baby. But I can't. Parenthood appears to me as
a storm in a tea cup. And I hurt for your suffering. But what can I do
for myself? These are my feelings and I am expressing them honestly so
that you would not hurt later. I have to be honest with you. I love you
deeply, but can't share your love for it."
She screamed: "Your love for me? Don't even mention it. The man who
does not love my baby cannot love me. Don't you know that you have a duty
towards it? You are its father, and God and the laws of society oblige
you to do your duty towards it."
He stoke her hair gently saying: "I will do my duty, and it is sacred.
I will give the baby all that I can in terms of education, time, and money.
But I can't love it. This is the matter I wish that you understand from
now on so that you won't be shocked later."
-"And do you think that obligation is just time and money? Duty is
a feeling. You need to give the baby its proper place inside your heart.
That is your obligation."
-"I can not do that, May God forgive me."
She became quite, beginning to understand the bitter truth.
"We are finished. Congratulations." It was the voice of Salam, her cousin.
He went on: "Do you still need the Oxygen? Let us try to remove it and
see." And they did.
-"I am suffocating. The Oxygen, please."
-"Return the Oxygen. Take it with her to her chamber."
Dr. Salam withdrew and left off the mask from his face. And so did
the nurse and Dr. Mahmood smiled saying: "I wish you and your baby happiness."
-"Thank you. You have been kind to me."
She finally let go of his hand. Her fingers relaxed for the first time.
And the nurse started to cover her body with a napkin. and then they drove
her on a carriage away. And outside she saw a strange image.
On front of the operation room stood Nabil, her four brothers,
her aunt with her daughter, Alham. They were all looking at the carriage
with pale scared faces, their eyes telling despair. She did not know why.
Since she and her baby are safe, why are they worried? She looked and smiled
to assure them, but the fear stayed on their faces. She could not understand
the reason. And regretted her smile. May be it was inappropriate for her
to smile in this situation.
She thought: "May be they get worried and difficult situations shakes
them. The events are rather intense, and they are concerned. How different
am I from others? I smile at them while I am being carried on a carriage
of pain, and my stomach opened without proper anesthetic, and I will be
in pain for hours to come. What is the secret for my happiness?"
She could not think about the mask which separated her from them. She
forgot the Oxygen apparatus which scared her loved ones. They have seen
her covered in a white dress which showed nothing but her face, running
beside her a machine hiding half of it. They did not know that she was
smiling for them.. Life brings its veil between loved ones and accidents
happen.
The carriage reached room number. 8 and two nurses tried together
to carry her to her bed, one of them smiling gently at her saying: "We
are glad that you are well."
-"God bless you. thank you all for taking care of me."
And the two nurses left to the door and stood there. Did Nabil find
out that he has a son? How did he feel about that? She felt the agony burn
in her heart afresh.
-"A quarter of an hour only, then you will be allowed in. She is still
using the Oxygen apparatus."
she heard the footsteps of laila withdrawing. She cried. She
has heard from people that motherhood is painful, but did not know it was
that painful. She said to the nurse as she moaned:
-"Could I see my baby?"
The nurse laughed: "No. Today is tuesday and we will bring him for
you to see for the first time on thursday, so that you can breast feed
him then for the first time."
-"And what would he drink till then?"
-"Just warm water to clean up his stomach."
-"Wouldn't he feel hungry?"
-"He is satisfied with what he had when he was inside the womb. He
will not feel hungry till thursday."
She felt that they were cruel. How would they know that her baby is
not hungry? She responded: "I wish I might breast feed him before that."
-"These are the feelings all mothers share. But know that if we brought
him to you tomorrow, you will not be able to breast feed him."
-"Why not, for Goodness sake?"
-"Because the milk is not there in your breast. And you will not be
able to feed him till thursday morning. So relax now. The baby is safe
with us in the next chamber."
Huda felt suddenly that she can breath regularly, so she gave the oxygen
mask to the nurse: "I don't need it any more."
-"Very good."
Huda thought: How could a baby stay without food for forty hours? Since
God did not permit the mother to feed it for that duration, he then has
given it what it needs to get through that period. God also has installed
inside the chicken's egg enough air to breath until it leaves the egg shell.
She heard the nurse saying: "come on in." and her sister Laila entered
shouting happily: "I have great news for you. Excuse me, Congratulations
first."
She kissed her hurriedly and said: "Do you know? I have a great piece
of news. Do you know that Nabil cried when they told him he has a baby
boy?"
-"Are you kidding me? May be he cried for my safety."
-"Your safety pleases him. He cried because of his happiness for the
baby. The others will tell you."
At that instant her aunt entered, and, after kissing her, Laila said:
"Aunt, tell Huda how Nabil acted?"
Her aunt laughed, as she knew Nabil's statements about his hatred of
children. She said:
-"Well, the nurse came inquiring : Who is the husband?" And when we
pointed to Nabil she said: "Congratulations. You are a father to a boy.
The mother is doing well." Immediately the tears started to pour down from
his eyes. He told the nurse: "Please cover him well so that he does not
get a cold." And the nurse said: "Do not worry about him. He is well taken
care of. Come to see him to rest assured." And he went with her, and stayed
for a long while just looking at the baby. He gave to the nurse money more
than once, insisting that she should take good care of it. The nurses are
laughing among themselves for this excessive paternal caring."
Nabil then entered the chamber looking embarrassed. The others left
the two of them together. And he came closer to her and his lips were shaking.
and he bent and kissed her checks and hands. She was happy that he did
not kiss her lips. That indicated to her that he is happy with the baby
and that he feels like a father. The baby pulled him above narrow sensuality
to the wide horizon of parenthood. His kiss on her hand indicated to her
his new respect for maternity. He now does not kiss her because she is
his beloved wife, but because she is the mother of his child. He is awed
by the maternal light which shone on her pale features after giving birth.
All these thought went through her head in seconds. While he kept quite.
He was very excited. and she asked : "Are you happy with our baby?"
-"I am glad that God saved the two of you."
-"And do you feel that you love him. Tell me honestly."
-"I am surprised that I do."
-"And you will carry spoil and kiss him?"
-"I do not know the answer to such questions. But I can stay all night
watching his room. I feel a longing for him which I did not expect."
And then her face brightens and she told him blamingly: "You have kept
me worried for monthes by saying that you will not love him."
So saying she cried and turned her head away from him. He kissed her
saying: "I am all apologies. I did not know it would be that valuable to
me. I was ignorant. I did not know that fatherhood is a blessing to the
father."
She closed her eyes and thanked God quietly. The wound was starting
to smart now. And she remembered the warning of Dr. Salam: "The difficult
part about partial anesthetic is that its effect terminates within half
an hour after the operation. You will have to withstand the pain Huda.
You had a cold till the last minute. And sometimes we have to suffer in
life."
She did not wish to worry her husband with the news of her coming agony.
She now respected and sympathized with him. And she insisted to bear her
pain alone. She was happy enough because she is a mother and Nabil is a
father and the baby is safe. He said to her: "I am afraid that our baby
will be mixed up with another."
-"Yes, warn the nurse about that."
-"I already did. She assured me that it is impossible. He is sleeping
in a carriage with the number of your chamber in it, but I fear that the
nurse will take him elsewhere."
-"That is very unlikely. I will ask the nurse to save us from such
a possibility."
-"I will go see it and get back to you afterwards."
She began to feel the pain in fall force. Her open belly wound was
violently smarting. But she decided to forebear. She remembered a story
about a Muslim man: The Doctor decided to cut his leg, suggesting that
he should drink some Alcohol so that he would lose consciousness to avoid
feeling the pain but the man refused saying: "I would not survive the pain
by angering God." He forbore the agony of the operation without saying
a word.
And the words of Doctor Salam rung in her ear: "You will feel terrible
pain all night. But it will disappear in the morning. The medication we
have given will become effective then."
And she felt a bright dawn coming in the horizon.
She remembered Shelly's words in the poem "Prometheus Unbound:" "The ages
of my pain will be limitless, but they will end."
And then she remembered her baby: "On thursday, On thursday morning
I will meet him. It is a randez vous with my love and I will meet him for
the first time."
She felt her pain ameliorate and she closed her eyes. Thank God for
giving her the baby, for giving her the pain. Thank God for giving the
father and life. I smile and face the gloomy birds of pain, for the dawn
is nearing. The dawn is coming.
March. 1973
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